Matthew 18:15-20 Church Conflict and Discipline

“Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene.” These are the opening lines of Shakespeare’s most famous play. The famous play about two feuding families: the Capulets and the Montagues. And their two “star-cross’d lovers,” Romeo and Juliet.

Jonathan is currently a Master of Divinity student at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary and wants to become an ordained pastor upon graduation. Till then, this blog is in honor of his Dad, the real Pastor Romig. Please do not preach this sermon, but feel free to quote it using proper attribution (aff link). 

The play is about a young man and woman who fall in love but their families hate each other. They hate each other so much even the local prince can’t get them to stop killing each other. So in the end, in a tragic comedy of errors, both Romeo and Juliet kill themselves. And only then do the two families stop fighting.

These two families started fighting because of a grudge. Instead of maintaining that grudge they should have learned how to resolve conflict. That’s why the two families should have come to church this morning. So they could have seen the sin in their fighting, and learned to point it out to each other in love. Are you in an ancient feud with a rival family? No? But maybe you know of sin in someone’s life that will destroy them if it’s not dealt with. Maybe you know that a brother and sister in Christ are living together before marriage.

Maybe you know that a friend is stealing at work or cheating on his taxes. Or maybe someone is spreading false rumors out of jealousy? Maybe your husband has an secret addiction to pornography. Or your wife has an un-admitted addiction to alcohol. Maybe your teenager is smoking pot behind your back.

Our Bible passage is about rescuing these people before it’s too late. It’s about correcting in love in order to restore in Christ. Let’s turn to Matthew 18:15-20 (that’s Matthew 18:15-20).

Why is it so important to correct someone in sin? It would have been nice for Romeo and Juliet if things had worked out differently but why does it matter? We’re not murdering each other, so why worry about a little conflict here and there? Why worry about a little sin? Is it really that important?

We correct in love to restore in Christ because God has restored us (v. 20). We rebuke in kindness to bring sinners back to Christ like God did for you and me (v. 20).

God wants us to help people like he has helped us. People were the first ones to sin against God. We broke our relationship with him at Eden. And we have continued to reject him daily as we do wrong. The passage’s last verse describes the church gathering in Jesus’ name (v. 20). But the only reason we can gather for him is because God has restored us. He came down to us and offered us forgiveness for our sins. We didn’t deserve God’s compassion and mercy. But he showed us our wrong anyways and offered us a way of escape. He offered a way of healing through faith in him. Jesus corrected us in love to restore our broken relationship with him. How can we do anything less for those who have sinned among us? We correct in love to restore in Christ.

We correct in love to restore in Christ because God restored us first, but do we really have what it takes to correct and restore in the love of Jesus? This is why we have to bathe the whole process in prayer.

All restoration comes from God through prayer (v. 18-19). Jesus reminds the disciples that God loves to grant prayers like these. Just as the disciples can take confidence in God’s gift of reconciliation. So we can take confidence as a church in God using us to bring our fallen brothers and sisters back to him. Before we do anything we must go to God in prayer. And if we get more people involved we should get them to pray too. Getting more people involved to pray is not an excuse for gossip. Instead we are to pray that God is with us and agrees with the church discipline.

God loves to see two or three gathered together praying for restoration. God has given all his children forgiveness for their sins, past, present, and future, but we still need to call out for forgiveness and repent of our sins anew. But now we get to thank him for his forgiveness and healing. And so often we forget to ask God to do the healing. We don’t pray, we run into the mess, and we ask God to “fix” it. But look at what happened to Romeo and Juliet. Imagine what could have happened if they just stopped and prayed. Imagine if their whole church had been praying for these two families. Do I have to say much more than that? Romeo and Juliet would have known God was in control. And they would have asked him for the healing no one could bring about.

So you can see that all restoration comes from God through prayer. But what does it mean to correct in love? How can I correct someone in a spirit of love?

All restoration comes about in love. To love someone is to think about them more highly than ourselves. When we value someone as great than who we are, it changes our attitude.

Let’s say that your friend named Michael has sinned against you. Yep, Michael blew it again. How would you correct him without love? You would drop in his workplace and say, “Michael, you idiot, you blew it!” “Why do you keep making these mistakes?” “Don’t you know Christians aren’t supposed to do… dot-dot-dot.” You fill in the blank. This wouldn’t be a spirit of love. Instead, this is a spirit of meanness and thoughtless judgment.

But what about if you went about correcting Michael a different way. Instead of dropping by his work place you invited him out for coffee Saturday night. You did this because you knew he wouldn’t listen very well with work on his mind. You buy Michael a drink and you two sit down to chat. And you say, “Michael, I love you and want to know I respect you, but the Lord has laid something on my heart and I’d like to discuss it with you. Will you take a moment to hear what I have to say?” Then you reveal the pattern of sin that person is struggling with. The whole way you went about it this time is much different. You have a calm spirit filled with Christ’s love. It causes you to approach thoughtfully and respectfully. Christ’s love causes you to care about the long-term results in your brother or sister’s life and not just about making sure what needs to be said is said. All restoration comes about through love.

Our passage talks about kindly correcting someone who is in sin for the purpose of restoring them to Christ. It talks about how we as Christians are to reprove and admonish one another in love for the sake of getting right with God because God first got right with us. So if we are called to correct in love to restore in Christ, how are we to do this? What steps should we take? We correct in love using three steps to restoration (v. 15-17).

For the first of the three steps to restoration, we go alone to tell our brother his sin (v. 15). We go privately because not many people respond well to public shame. Paul may have publically rebuked Peter in Galatians 2:11-16, but that doesn’t mean we should do the same, at least not as our first course of action. When I arrived at seminary and got involved with mentored ministry I messed up. At the church where I served the young adults would occasionally grab lunch together. At two of these lunchtime gatherings I put my foot in my mouth. Let’s just say I wasn’t as culturally correct as I should have been. And for both of them I got culturally corrected.

The first time I was later taken aside and kindly reprimanded. The second time I got called out over the lunch table in the middle of a restaurant. I was in the wrong both times but which incident do you think I appreciated more? When I think about the first time I’m thankful. When I think about the second time I’m embarrassed. Sometimes we’ll have to immediately correct sin in public. But as much as possible we should do so privately.

Let me put a stipulation on this. This does not mean we should use Facebook, an email, or texting. Miscommunication only increases with these methods. Instead we’re to go and talk to them face to face.

So you’ve admonished the individual using the first of three steps to restoration in Christ, and you’ve done it in love, but what if he still doesn’t listen? What if it doesn’t work and that person continues in sin?

For the second of three steps to restoration, we should get help (v. 16).

We should not attempt to correct the individual alone anymore. Do you know why I think Jesus told the disciples to go alone first. Because it’s easy to talk behind someone’s back when they’ve messed up. Our natural inclination is to get more “witnesses” but never resolve the issue. I think working up the courage to talk to someone about their mistakes also helps us. It helps us figure out if they’ve really wronged us or simply annoyed us.

Sometimes it’s better to forgive, forget, and swallow our pride. But other times it’s necessary for the individual’s spiritual growth to correct them. So if we have spent time in prayer and believe it’s for the individual’s benefit we talk to them, and they don’t listen to our correction, it’s time to get help. The passage doesn’t say whether we should go to the elders or church leaders. But they are people God has given the church for situations like this.

Notice the verse says the person you should take with you is a “witness.” This means it should be someone who can verify the problem. This does not mean we should work hard to convince someone to join “our side.” Instead they should have witnessed the issue to some extent as well. Although this is not in the text, I also think it’s wise that if you’re a woman, and the problem is with another woman, you should take a woman. And if you’re a man take another man along. If it’s a marriage problem, take a married couple.

So for the first step to restoration you went alone to the person in sin, and for the second step you got help, but he still won’t recognize his sin, what is the next step to take? What are we to try last?

For  the third of three steps to restoration, we take it to the church (v.17). If someone will not admit their sin, then we are to take it to our church family. The Holy Spirit did not establish the actual church till Acts chapter 2. Jesus uses the word here for church that means “gathering” or “assembly.” He’s talking about those who gather in his name, which we now see as the church.

Does this mean we’re supposed to show up Sunday morning and distribute pamphlets outlining this individual’s sin? No! But I think it’s fair to say that if the elders don’t know of the problem yet they should. And if the sinner is unrepentant, the elders should call a meeting of the congregation. They should explain the situation and ask for the congregation’s commitment to correcting and restoring the individual. But if the one in sin will still not listen, then we are to treat him in love as an outsider.

Jesus says the original witness—the “you” is singular in v. 17—should treat him as a “Gentile” and a “tax collector.” Jesus treated Gentiles and tax collectors with love and compassion. He never condoned their sin but loved them and called them to repentance. I think we’re to take this same model. This means making sure the one who is in sin is not in a position of any sort of leadership or responsibility or allowed to speak at a public meeting. And they’re not to participate in communion. But they should still be allowed to come to church but not affirmed in their choices.

We would treat them like a homosexual couple or as two people living together outside of marriage or as someone who has an immoral business. We would welcome them but not tell them we approve of what they’re doing. There would be a clear distinction between us as children of God and them as unrepentant sinner. But there would also be a continual atmosphere of love and calling to repentance. Sometimes we will have to cast out because of the dangers of sin and potential risk to fellow church members. But as much as possible we are keep them coming to church while at the same time acknowledging that they are not a part of the church.

This wraps up the final of our three steps to restoration in Christ. We’ve now seen how Romeo and Juliet could have saved their families. And Matthew 18 is about ensuring the health of our church family. It’s about caring for the sick among us even when they don’t want to be cared for. And it’s about doing it the right way. We correct in love to restore in Christ. But does this seem difficult to you? Does it seem hard?

It’s difficult to correct in love but it’s worth it. I was volunteering at a church and ran into problems with a fellow volunteer. I couldn’t figure out what it was but the guy just didn’t seem to like me. He kept being rude to me and took every opportunity to make fun of me. I let this go on for several months as I tried to forgive and ignore. But pretty soon it got so bad I started hating going to church.

Then one Sunday he brought up a subject that was against church policy to talk about.  So I figured I should remind him of this and take the opportunity to see if he really disliked me or if we were just miscommunicating. The next day I asked him to meet me and we took a short walk. And I respectfully told him what I thought.

And it wasn’t so bad. He agreed not to bring up the subject that broke church policy. And he was also surprised I felt like he didn’t like me. He asked for my forgiveness and the situation improved greatly.

I wrote him a letter a few months later thanking him and encouraging him.We both learned a lot from this situation. He learned the bite his words could have. And I learned that things are not always as they seem. 

Instead of letting sin fester in our relationship we put a stop to it. It wasn’t so much that I restored him, but that God restored us. In this I think God was pleased. We correct in love to restore in Christ.

So you’ve seen what I’ve done but what about you all? Has the Lord laid someone on your heart? Are you burdened to correct a brother or sister in sin to restore him or her in Christ?

Maybe you don’t know anyone who is in sin. Praise the Lord! But maybe you’re the person in sin. Uh oh—250 church members may knock on your door this week. You don’t have to wait for someone to confront you. Take steps to repent of this sin on your own. But if you’re listening and the Lord has brought someone to mind, pray about going to them. Maybe they just need help to rise from their mire of sin. Don’t let them wallow any longer.

I believe in your ability to obey what Jesus has called you to do. When you have the Holy Spirit, you have the ability to make the hard but right decision. Go and humbly talk about finding restoration in Christ It’s difficult but it’s worth it. Especially when you see the results. That a sinner has once more returned to Jesus. We correct in love to restore in Christ.

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